All my life I have suffered from many anxiety disorders, from separation anxiety, to insecure anxiety, to anti-social; any kind of anxiety you can think of I probably had. I was always a nervous person, though everyone said I was just shy. But when I met shy people, I would later see them talking with people and having a joyous time. Watching them, I thought to myself that I could never do that because I was too nervous.
I would never go up to someone and just chat with them, even if deep down I wanted to. It scared me to be around people. I often wondered as a kid, and up into my teens, what was wrong with me. I wasn’t like kids my age, at least I didn’t feel mentally up to par with them. I felt restricted and held back and I didn’t understand why. Why was I so different? When I reached the age of thirteen, I noticed my mom shared some of our anxieties. Neither of us knew what was making us feel the way we were, we didn’t even know what it was called! We just knew we were different and not normal. After a while, months later, I noticed I started getting thoughts in my head after my parents came back from Georgia to pick up a mower for my Grandpa, my Dad’s dad. My Grandma stayed with me and my two younger siblings for the weekend while our parents were gone. I started getting strange thoughts I never got before, such as what if something happens to them? Or what if they’re in a car accident? Then, the night when my parents returned home from Georgia, I couldn’t go to sleep. I kept getting thoughts in my head. Now that I think back I feel ridiculous. Thinking my parents were going to suffocate in their sleep was just going over the edge. A normal person would think I was crazy, but that was the thought pouring into my head. The devil is a sly one and he’s really good at lying and making people, the children of God, believe them. I cried because I was so afraid to go to sleep. I didn’t want to wake up and find out my parents had suffocated, even though it was a lie of the devil.
After dealing with this for months of having thoughts torture me, I slowly was becoming afraid of staying home alone, even though I had my siblings. If my mother had to run up and pay a bill just a few minutes from the house, I would panic and sit by the window watching the clock until she got back. I would scream at my siblings if they got too loud. Any loud noise agitated me and made me more afraid. But once I saw my mother pull around the corner, relief would come over me and then I went on my way like nothing happened. I felt stupid feeling like this, but that’s just how it was. This problem continued for the next four or five years of my life. I had been dealing with it since I was twelve, and it was starting wear on me. I couldn’t stand watching kids my age or friends who could stay home by themselves while their parents went away for the weekend or to run some errands. It bothered me, because I could be normal.
After four years, my parents made an appointment with Brother Billy to talk with him about my horrendous problem. We talked about it, he prayed with me, and he gave me some encouraging words that I would like to share with you. He said,
“Yesterday He helped me, Today He’ll do the same. How long will this continue, forever praise His name.”
He also said “I’m better today than I was yesterday, and I will be better tomorrow than I am today”, but my favorite quote was
“If He brings you to it, He will take you through it.”, and that He has.
A few months later, my family and I sat down at our house to have a Wednesday service. My dad decided to play the tape, “The Greatest Battle Ever Fought.” Everyone I talked to about my anxiety told me that was the tape to listen to, but the devil kept me busy as he does us all and I would forget, but I guess I was meant to hear that Wednesday night. I really enjoyed the tape and took everything for myself. I felt like it all fit me and applied to me.
Then after a couple of months, after praying and praying and testifying to people that I was healed even though I still had those thoughts, I woke up one morning and it was a miracle! I didn’t have those thoughts anymore! I was normal! If my mom had to run an errand, I would let her go without panicking! It was such a nice feeling! I was finally free! I told everyone I knew about it because God had healed me! Today, I still thank God for healing me. I have never been so happy in all my life to be free of something so scary, so torturous, so controlling. Any time the devil tried to place a thought in my mind, I told him, “Praise God, I’m healed!” and he went away!
God really works miracles!
What a wonderful God we have!
Sis. Lillie